2008-06

I’m not comfortable to talk and write about this concern by many individuals. I’m not the type of a person who can talk directly from my heart when it comes to sexuality. but I tried to be open minded about it. Sexuality throbs within us as movement toward relationship, intimacy, and companionship. Sexuality is an integral part of who we are. Just because we are sexual doesn’t mean we have to fall prey to the animal instinct of “doing it”. Sex has become one of the most discussed subjects in modern times. The victorians pretended it did not exist, the modern pretend that nothing else exists. If you’re an insecure woman you’re probably asking is “Am I desirable?” You see sex as a barometer of your worthiness and as a means to relational connectedness. Wanting to be desirable, is not a bad thing. And if you’re a man the primary sexual question is often “Am I capable?” The insecure man tends to see sex in terms of power and performance, competition and achievement. For him, it can even become a numbers game. I think it will end up making you feel more self-denigrated, desperate, alone and insecure. So what’s a sexual being to do? We have our choices in life. My choice is to find a man who believes in “honoring” women, who would never “use” a woman to get sex. In my line of thinking sex is a way of expressing feelings you can’t express with words. If we’re in love it can’t be wrong. I believe that love sanctifies sex.

　　please click this banner?

This is the last time that I will give my time and to write about him. Actually I don’t like him to be part of my daily post comment but I want to ease my disappointments and pain that he caused me last night or early this morning . I had a calls at 1:30 am from my ex boyfriend while watching hbo movies. At first I didn’t answer it but he never stop calling me, on his fifth calls I got my cellphone. At first I knew it that his a little bet drunk because of his voice and I ask him what he wants from me and why he called me at early morning. He replied that he wants to talk and see me that time because he miss me and he can’t sleep thinking of me. He insisted to come to my place. to cut our conversation I turned off my cellphone. Before I sleep I turned it on again and I got many messages from him. “I will never stop until you comeback to my arms, I want you in my life. I know you still love me and you need me”. this is accepted I understand him. But there’s a message I can’t imagine why he told me this ” you need me and I’m here to help you in your personal needs”. Why??? I can’t believe! why he’s acting this way? The man that I used to love was a different person now. He was an educated, kind and gentleman that I used to know. Getting “dumped” is difficult to accept, he just can’t face the reality. People who won’t admit it’s over sacrifice their self-respect.They substitute desperation for dignity, and that’s never a pretty picture. To have known love, how bitter a thing it is. Acceptance is the last thing we need to do.

　　please click this banner?

I had enough sleep last night, I slept for 10 hours to be exact, it’s my first time to had enough sleep since I came back from abroad. I felt a little bet lazy when I woke up. After lunch I went to the gym here in our clubhouse to take some simple stretching to make myself feel alive. But I’m unlucky because there’s a lot of people inside the gym. I don’t have a place to do some simple exercise. Better luck next time. I wanted to go swimming this late afternoon but, it’s sunday there’s a lot of people in the pool. Unlucky day for me. So I decided to do my old ways of exercise which is to clean my place. Actually I love to do household chores as my exercise while listening music. But today instead of making myself alive it makes me more sad because of the music I played. I played my daughter’s favorite nursery rhyme. To change my mood. I played my favorite music. The music helps me to be feel good in my alone moment. Living alone is not easy but it helps me to know myself and be myself… Thank you Lord for giving me a life of great and endless possibilities. Today I choose to recieve all the blessings you want to give to me. Thank you that each day, you open the whole universe to me… Today, I choose to live and love to the fullest of my capacities.

　　please click this banner?