2008-06

Crying all night makes me feel better now. Giving myself over to the agony and had a good cry, I felt it cleanse my soul. Expressing my sadness instead of keeping it in, keeps me feeling better and hoping the healing will begin all the sooner. I guess I’m one of those people who’s meant to be alone. Its awful when it comes to picking men, and I need to concentrate on work if I’m going to be able to take care of myself in the future. I feel like an idiot for having so easily deceived. The feeling of not to trust men and thinking that men are all the same makes me think “I deserve to be myself forever.” It’s so unfair to blame myself and to feel stupid to have chosen a person who later does wrong to me. Why punish myself because I feel in love? To blame myself will do nothing to help me from “mistakes” and become a better person. Life is to short to wake up in the morning with regrets. and to love the people who treat me right , and forget about the ones who don’t believe that everything happens for a reason. If it changes my life let it be. Nobody says that it would be easy they just promised it would be worth it.

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I had an Enchanting moment last night with my 4 years old daughter. While watching television she told me that she wants to be a princess when she grow up. She was so serious talking to me that moment and I said to her. Wow! what a big dream to have my baby! And she said. Mama I’m not a baby anymore I’m a big girl now don’t call me baby. and I said, you will always be my baby even you become a big girl. she smiled and said. I’m your little princess and your the queen. If I’m the queen who is my king? I’m expecting that she will told me that my king was his father, but she said “Mama your king is your boyfriend!” I’m surprised! who is my boyfriend? and she shouted “Patric Dempsy!” oh yes! my dream man. Patric Dempsy he’s a holly wood actor. He played the leading role in the movie “Enchanted” a fairy tale story one of my favorite movie. I asked her why not your father as my king? and she said you don’t love him and besides your beautiful and he’s not! So smart and naughty girl! We laughed so hard. And she said again “Mama I want to met your king before I become a princess!” She really makes my life happy and wonderful. She gives me joy, happiness and hope when I’m about to give up to keep on dreaming. If I’m not lucky to find my king it’s okay. I can’t ask for more from the Lord. Having a princess like my daughter makes my life worthy.

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There is no substitute for the comfort supplied by the utterly taken-for granted relationship. What really makes people happy? nor success, wealth, achievement, good looks, or any of those enviable assets. I believe the clear winner is relationships. “No man is an island.” We need to belong. “Aren’t all of us, even with people all around, susceptible to loneliness?” I think “yes” What ever the reason, everyone agrees that no matter what our age, we all have a deep longing for belonging. We want to be wanted, accepted, enjoyed, and loved. No one is too big, strong, talented, or tough to go without belonging. To share the experience of being alone for a long time. The need to belong is not just about feeling warm and accepted, however. it’s literally a matter of life and death. In my own experience happiness seems made to be shared. We need to belong, to find intimacy with others is so universal and even ordained, you maybe wondering, why is it so complex? Why is it sometimes so difficult? I wonder the same thing. We all need camaraderie, affection, love. whether we like it or not, each of us has an shakable dependence on others. Intimate attachments to other human beings are the hub around which a person’s life revolves.

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