2008-07

Please stop the rain. Since yesterday it was raining until now the whole day is raining! Oh God! Rain makes me sad and lonely. Since I was a child when it rains I felt so depressed I wonder why? maybe because I can’t go out and play with my childhood friends. And now that I’m adult I know some reason why I felt that way. Last night it was my darkest part of my life. I know it’s a foolish thing to do and it’s a sin to do such thing. I’m just human to feel and think that foolish thing. I love my life but sometimes I can’t help myself not to get depressed, its hard to pretend that I’m happy with my life. I had a thousand doubts about myself, but my faith held strong. Why? this desperate question is spray like a chemical foam on the fire of my heart. I asked the question again and again. Why? Why? God was silent. I’m not sure how long I will suffer in the darkness of doubt but somewhere in the midst of my lonely questioning I realize something that eventually revolutionize my faith. I’m not searching for an explanation. I was crying out to God. And yet there was no answer. God, why are you so silent? I know your invisible but let me feel you especially when I’m all alone and when it rains let me feel your love.

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I had a phone calls from my ex-boyfriend at two o’clock early this morning. He was sound so drunk and he’s insisting to see me, and one of his companion friend talked to me to say sorry for disturbing me. “Please understand my friend for he really loves you and he can’t accept the truth that you don’t love him anymore.” We can’t believe that he’s acting like it’s end of the world for him. It’s so difficult for him to accept that it’s over. why he’s doing this to me? I know breaking up from even an unhealthy relationship hurts. It hurts me too, because we’re been a good friend since then. Losing a good friend hurts me but losing me in his life its like losing his future. Men do not invest much time or energy in thinking about their relationship until it has fallen apart. I know at this moment he might say I broke his heart into two. but time will come he will get over it. I’m hoping that he will learn from his mistakes. I know he will find another love again he just need to value it and never never take it for granted. Lastly be faithful to the one’s we really love and that love will stay forever.

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I had a visitor last night. For almost three months he beg for my time just to see and talk to me personally. He called and sent a messages early in the morning asking a favor if we can talk. But last night I let him talked and see me for the last time. My ex-boyfriend. He’s asking if we can bring back the past and start all over again, because until now according to him his love for me still the same and getting more stronger than before. I told him “I’m sorry but I don’t love you anymore” he looked at me with teary eyed and hold my hands and saying “please don’t say that… I’m dying inside. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. I’m asking you to love me again. I will not promise anything but I won’t do it again and i will be faithful to you, comeback to me please.” People don’t realize what they have until they lost it. I gave him a second chance before but he did it again and now asking for a third chance? I gave my trust to him but he took it for granted. Every body deserves to have a second chance but giving it for the third time it’s a foolish thing to do. I gave my love and trust to him but now is gone. He told me this words before he leaved. ” I never loved like this until I met you. your my great love and you will stay in my heart forever.” I felt his pain when he leave my place he couldn’t walked, and looked back at me trying to hide the tears in his eyes. After two hours I received a text message from him, ” It’s like I came from far dessert place, I don’t know how I came home. I’m sorry! I’m so ashamed. I swallowed my pride feeling so small. But thank you for giving me a chance to see you for the last time, take care of yourself, I hope your happy with your life now.” I’m sorry too. thank you for loving me… If only I could turned back the time…

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