2008-05

Early this morning my daughter had a bad day! She don’t want to attend her ballet class. Before we slept last night she told me “Mama we have a recital and I want you to watch me”. And I said “Oh that’s great! Sorry baby I can’t go” and she said “Why mama? you don’t want to watch me? you don’t love me? your not proud of me? those questions melts my heart again. And I told her the truth, “Baby I can’t go because your grandma and your father is there, I’m not ready to see them” and she said “Mama just ignore them anyway your there because of me not because of them”. My daughter had a point, and I said I will try to come but I can’t promise. Then she hug me tightly and kiss good night and whispered “I wish you will come to my recital because if your not there I will not perform. So sweet! This morning she cried so hard she said “Mama I want to stay with you, I don’t like to go to Makati (the house where she stays with her father) I don’t want to attend my ballet class”. In the elevator she hug me so tight while crying out loud and she don’t want to let go of me. I thought this scenario was over, it’s been more than a year since the last time she cried so hard while leaving my place. Is it because of last night? I’m being so selfish to her. Because of my selfishness I forgot to think about her feelings. Hurting my daughters feelings hurts me more. I’m so sorry baby, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Being a mother my love to her is unquestionable and unconditional, for she’s one of the reasons why I survived all the challenges in life. My strength and my inspiration in everything I do. I love my daughter so much! I will sacrifice my own feelings for her happiness. And I will not let my stupid pride to hurt her again and ruin her happiness. Learning to love unselfishly is not an easy task. It runs counter to our self-centered nature.That’s why we’re given a lifetime to learn it.

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Today is my down fall day. a bad day for me. The feeling that I can’t explain. I feel so depressed. the feeling of alone for so long, the emptiness inside of me. What is happening to me? Or just missing my family? I miss my mother, my father, my siblings. I miss my childhood days those where the days that I can say I’m happy with a complete and happy family. Or I just need someone to talk with? I don’t know! All I know at this moment is to cry. I’m so stupid! Crying without any reason, I don’t know what really happening to me. The worst is thinking to end my life without any reason. Do I need medical help? Am I losing my sanity? Is God is with me now? Lord help me. Please show me the way the right way to think in a positive way. Is this normal for human being that sometimes in your life you feel so desperate or you feel no one loves you? I’m so tired of being alone and independent in my life. Is this self pity? or depression? Or just a simple act of longing for someone I love? So many questions that need time to know what is the reason behind for all of this. God please give me a peace of mind….

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After my work today I went to a salon in glorietta mall for my hand and foot spa, where the owner and the staff are my friends. I’ve known them for so many years. The salon has a tattoo section where many clients coming to do some ear and navel piercing and a body tattoo. While talking to my friend there’s one couple got my attention. The client for body tattoo. The man having a tattoo in his upper arms it’s a girl face tattoo and it’s so painful but it is almost done when i saw it. I ask the client, who’s face is that? the man answer my ‘girlfriend face’. His girlfriend setting beside him smile at me and said, yes it’s me! I told her, your so lucky to have a boyfriend like him because he maid a tattoo of your face in his body part. The proud girlfriend smile and said he wants to do that tattoo as a sign of his undying love to me. I just smile on them and said, I’m so touched, your both lucky to have each other. Each one of us, has a unique style in expressing our love to our dear one. Making a tattoo in your body parts a face or the name of your boyfriend or girlfriend for me is pathetic. What if they’re not meant to be? you can not erase the tattoo. Anyway it’s their ways to show their love. I respect those people because they value their relationship in many ways. I wish there is someone will have a tattoo inside his heart of my sweet and loving heart!

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