My Heart And Me

Why do we so seldom disclose our deepest emotions, even to friends? Many reasons, My thought was if I reveal my needs or get emotional, people will not like me. But my expectation is opposite. People begin to feel close to me when they know something of my needs. In my depressing moment I’m lucky because my family and friends is always there to comfort and reminds me that life is a test, and I need to pass all the trials in order to survive and to live in a meaningful life. Mostly I express my sadness by crying to a sudden relief from hurts or for being lonely. Tears are a great gift from God. Crying need not to be a sign of weakness or an imposition on the person who witnesses it. I honor the person with whom I cry. I feel I’m getting close and deepen my relationship to that person. Most of our communications nonverbal, our tears when it falls naturally, can be a means of getting closer to others. Revealing my true feelings and showing my tears to the people whom I trust and love makes me realize that I’m strong and human.

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Please stop the rain. Since yesterday it was raining until now the whole day is raining! Oh God! Rain makes me sad and lonely. Since I was a child when it rains I felt so depressed I wonder why? maybe because I can’t go out and play with my childhood friends. And now that I’m adult I know some reason why I felt that way. Last night it was my darkest part of my life. I know it’s a foolish thing to do and it’s a sin to do such thing. I’m just human to feel and think that foolish thing. I love my life but sometimes I can’t help myself not to get depressed, its hard to pretend that I’m happy with my life. I had a thousand doubts about myself, but my faith held strong. Why? this desperate question is spray like a chemical foam on the fire of my heart. I asked the question again and again. Why? Why? God was silent. I’m not sure how long I will suffer in the darkness of doubt but somewhere in the midst of my lonely questioning I realize something that eventually revolutionize my faith. I’m not searching for an explanation. I was crying out to God. And yet there was no answer. God, why are you so silent? I know your invisible but let me feel you especially when I’m all alone and when it rains let me feel your love.

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I had a phone calls from my ex-boyfriend at two o’clock early this morning. He was sound so drunk and he’s insisting to see me, and one of his companion friend talked to me to say sorry for disturbing me. “Please understand my friend for he really loves you and he can’t accept the truth that you don’t love him anymore.” We can’t believe that he’s acting like it’s end of the world for him. It’s so difficult for him to accept that it’s over. why he’s doing this to me? I know breaking up from even an unhealthy relationship hurts. It hurts me too, because we’re been a good friend since then. Losing a good friend hurts me but losing me in his life its like losing his future. Men do not invest much time or energy in thinking about their relationship until it has fallen apart. I know at this moment he might say I broke his heart into two. but time will come he will get over it. I’m hoping that he will learn from his mistakes. I know he will find another love again he just need to value it and never never take it for granted. Lastly be faithful to the one’s we really love and that love will stay forever.

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