My Heart And Me

It was just a lazy friday night. After posting in my blog, I accidentally click a blog site out of curiousity. I found a blog that got me so interested. I read some names that familiar to me. I assume that it was he, his blog and I’m right. I saw some links including my blog tittle was there with out knowing it, I found his secret. Who are You? the first words I utter. Why I easily gave my TRUST to him, someone that I really don’t know personally. Why? Who is this man? who got my TRUST, LOVE, and RESPECT? Do I really know him? Am I leading to the wrong way? I can’t sleep last night until now, thinking of many things that bothers me a lot. Am I doing the right way? where am I leading to? Should I quit what I’m doing now? To stop hurting myself more and to stop him for hurting me more. What kind of world that I’m into now? Is this the real world? I wish this is only a dream! A bad dream! I’m so disappointed! I never expect that it can be happen to me! I believe that he is a good man but why he did this to me? I don’t deserve this. Lord give me a sign and a strength to accept the reality. Who is this man? what is his purpose for coming into my life?

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Almost everyday I have phone calls from abroad. Should I say from my suitors. Sometimes i don’t feel like talking to them but they will not stop ringing me till I answer it. I feel so bored talking to them, but i realize they are so sweet and caring because they have the time to call me just to ask if I’m okey and fine. I appreciate it very much! They’re busy on their work but still they have the time to call me. I’m happy and glad because they don’t forget me. But this morning after taking my breakfast while reading magazines, my cellphone rung I thought from my former boss in my company that i work before. I’m surprised because its been more than a month i didn’t got any phone calls from him. Even we chat sometimes, its not enough because I can’t hear his voice, I missed his voice very much. Its a mixed emotion because I’m not expecting his call, this man is full of surprises. I’m so happy because he find time to call me even in a few minutes only. He makes my day! An extraordinary day because of that unexpected phone call. But still I can’t “expect the unexpected”! Because I only know “Expect the worst”. Never expect so you won’t get hurt in the end.

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Last night while were lying on my bed with my 4 years old daughter, asked me. Mama why is it your house is different from my house? Why were not living in one house? Why your living alone? I want to stay with you, I want you to be with me always. I want you to take care of me and to send me to school. Why is it my yaya instead of you takes care of me? Those questions of my little angel melts my heart. I don’t know what to say! I was so shock! I know its a simple question with a simple answer. But I was speechless, I don’ know how to explain and where to begin with. I felt, am I being unfair to her? Not to tell her the truth why is it our situation is like that? The fact that she’s only 4 years old, i know kids now are more sensitive, and smart. Someday i have to tell her the truth when she’s grown up and can understand me well. I told her last night that someday we will be together. For now its ok that she have two houses to stay. And she enjoy staying with me and feel my love and care. What matter most is she feels the love of a mother and a father even they’re apart. In my experience, the most difficult questions to answer is the questions of the innocent people like my daughter. One thing I want to share “The truth will set you free, but first it may make you miserable”!

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